Today, I learned that human semen is 95 percent hyaluronic acid.

I don’t wonder where all of these women learned that it’s bad to look your age, but I do question how they can accept it so fullheartedly. I prefer not to buy into the cult of youth partially because it’s a losing battle—we’re all going to die—but also because I’ve seen beautiful people who look every day of their 50, 60, 70+ years. Some of them wear their sagacity with glamour, like it’s a mink stole, and even those who loudly proclaim that getting old sucks radiate a kind of swaggering freedom that I can’t find among girls my age. If it’s a compliment to be called an “old soul,” why are we so afraid of looking like one?

I’m not sure our obsession with youth can be entirely undone, but I’d at least like to throw a wrench in the works. I’m tempted to tell clients how old I really think they are, explain that effective “anti-aging” can only be found in death, and recite Warning by Jenny Joseph on repeat until I indoctrinate them with a new understanding of what it means to have lived so much, how it can be a gift.

I’m talking about that sexy, side-swept glamour hair that’s twisted in the back. I don’t recommend going out dancing in it, but it’s hot, right? Perfect for a lounge setting.

To achieve (via Zoe Foster’s blog, Just Quietly):

1. Divide section from just above the ear at the temple and section off diagonally to the middle of the nape at the back.

2. Apply styling gel or some kind of holding product to the main hair, twist it up into a roll, and pin it low to the nape of your neck on one  side. Don’t worry about making it perfect; a lot of texture in the twist looks good, too.

3. Apply shine serum to the remaining hair and take it to the same side in a low, tight ponytail close to the ear. This is how your shorter layers will fake it.

4. Loosely curl your hair and finish with hairspray or mousse.

Rules:

• Zoe recommends combining this hair with a punchy lip color and some winged eyeliner to complete the pinup-glamour-girl look.
• If you’re wearing a one-shoulder thingy like the girl in the video, the “hair side” has to be the side with no strap. For balance.
• If you have a side part, the “hair side” should be the side furthest from your part.

See full facial menu here.

Facials are on a sliding scale from $10 to $30, depending on the cost of the products, whether or not you bought me the products in question for Christmas/my birthday, the length of the treatment, how much I like you, and how much (if any) you are related to me.

Glory be to Sara Christian, also the banner artist, for her super cute design!

I insisted that she should charge and told her I’d help her make a one-page catalog to hand out to our class of product whores, who can always be counted on to buy truckloads of whatever tiny bottles of cream are nearest. “I’ll think about it,” she giggled. “Where is your killer instinct?!” I demanded obnoxiously, “demanding obnoxiously” being one thing my American upbringing has taught me to do nigh professionally. My other classmate wisely advised, “If she doesn’t have it, you can’t give it to her.” Probably true. But it is a continual source of frustration for me that people with rare and highly marketable talents so often devalue their skills and are too shy or scared to make money off something they enjoy.

Which brings me to this question: is it wrong to make money off your friends? The knee-jerk answer might be “yes,” but after reflecting on my classmate’s situation, I’ve decided that it’s actually necessary to make money off your friends to establish yourself as a professional and grow your business. An entrepreneur has no one to sell to initially except her friends. It’s a nice and powerful feeling to be able to hook it up with freebies, but so often those “freebies” cost time and money and are actually the result of lots of effort that goes unseen and perhaps underappreciated by the lucky recipient.

All of this is basically to say that I decided to take my own advice. As of 2010, I’m cutting down on the free facials. It turns out that I’m spending a lot of money on classes and products for making my facials and waxing better and widening the range of services I can offer. I’m working on my own little catalog of services that you’ll see posted on the blog soon. And I hope that you will graciously allow me to make money off doing something I have grown to truly enjoy.

I’m still navigating the delicate relationship between waxer and waxee. If there a polite way to suggest “Would you like me to wax off your post-menopausal goatee in addition to your ‘stache?” I have not found it. At the Brazilian waxing class some of the girls attended, the instructor told the model to get on all fours and stick her butt out “porno-style,” exposing her butt hair and acne to the class. How is professionalism possible under these circumstances, I ask you?

Waxing has affirmed my new theory that pain enhances pleasure. It’s the only way to explain our clients’ obsession with getting every last blackhead removed, people who wake up at 4:00 AM and run for miles to “feel the burn,” our dogged pursuit after friends and lovers who treat us badly, the product promise “the tingle tells you it’s working,” for that matter, the popularity of the Brazilian wax. We’ve been taught that pain is good for us, that it’s character-building, that eating your vegetables is good for your health. So it’s no wonder that we get confused and chase after pain, even when the pain is senseless and unnecessary. We think we’re getting something out of it, even when we’re not.

There is a limit, of course, but a little bit of pain embedded in a pleasurable experience makes it that much better. Not that you should be afraid of scheduling a waxing appointment with me.

• Real hair brushes are best for powder products, while synthetic brushes are preferable for use with cream products.
• Short, firm kabuki brushes are good for pushing powder into skin. When powder is applied more gently, with a looser brush, it can migrate and settle into lines and creases. (Editor’s note: Velour powder puffs are also good, but press, don’t wipe.)
• How to use bronzer to contour: Apply in a 3 shape down the side of the face. Down the temples, over the cheekbones, then out to the jawline and onto the chin. If you have a large forehead or are wearing your hair up, you may want to use bronzer to shade along the hairline in the forehead area.
• Want to use both blush and bronzer? Apply blush using downward strokes along the top of your cheekbones. Apply bronzer using upward strokes along the bottom of your cheekbones.
• If you have acne, indented scars, or other skin texture issues, stay away from shimmer products.
• For sagging eyelids, Asian eyes, or eyes with small lids, apply a thin layer of eyeliner in between the lashes instead of on top of them.
• How to use highlighter: Apply it in a C shape cupping your eye, from just under the eyebrow along the outside of your eye to the very top of your cheekbone. Also dot it on the top of your cheekbone (the least fleshy part).
• Mineral makeup does not penetrate the skin. Because of this, it won’t cause any skin problems, but it also can’t look all that natural because it’s too matte and powdery. (Editor’s note: I feel so validated; mineral makeup always looks fake on me but everyone else seems to love it.)
• If you have dark hair, shade your brows with a lighter color than what you think your brow color is. If you have light hair, shade your brows with a darker color.
• Don’t angle the outer halves of your brows down toward your cheekbones. This pulls down the corners of the eyes. Instead, angle them outward toward your temples as much as possible.
• To make blush last longer, sandwich it between thin layers of powder.
• If you have normal or dry skin, consider using a face primer. Without a primer, your skin will drink moisture from your foundation throughout the day, shortening the life of your makeup. With a primer, your skin will absorb moisture from the primer instead.

Not only did she not tip me, she left this review of my services:

This is a giant electric toothbrush for your face by the makers of Sonicare. Its list price is US $225.00. Why not just use your fingers, you ask. Well, why use an electric toothbrush? To be fancy.

I have no investment in endorsing the Clarisonic for functional reasons. I bought it (at a discount – contact me before purchasing) because I figured clients would appreciate the undeniable novelty and joy of a motorized brush street-sweeping their faces. But still, I was curious. I used it on the side of my face with more freckles and more scars – to make it harder for the Clarisonic to win – for two weeks, forcing people on the street to stroke my face and guess which side had been sonic’d.

Days 1-5 – Correct votes: 50%

“[The Clarisonic side] looks plumper.” GREAT.

Days 6-10 – Correct votes: 67%

Unnervingly, my friend Chris instantly knew that he had chosen the wrong side based on my facial expression after he guessed. He said he can tell when someone’s hiding something because they instantly look down and to the left. Tips for life!

Days 11-15 – Correct votes: 50%

A much higher percentage of people in my esthetics class got it right. Civilians weren’t great at this game. The people who guessed correctly also insisted that the Clarisonic side still looked better than the control side after I began using it on my entire face, which means my face will be permanently uneven, all in the name of science.

The thing most people who guessed correctly mentioned was that the Clarisonic side was more glowy, shiny, and lighter in tone. I continued to break out evenly on both sides. Some days I felt like I could see a difference and some days not, but when I finally started using it on my entire face instead of just one side, I definitely could tell it was doing something.

Overall verdict is that I think it’s very much a luxury item, but it may be beneficial for people with dull, thick skin with large pores. I would not recommend it to people whose skin is thin, sensitive/prone to redness, highly acneic, or very dry. I also would not recommend it to those people who are fond of gadgets, but know deep down inside that they’re too lazy to use an appliance twice a day to wash their faces.

Functionality-wise, the Clarisonic is fun and easy to use, fully submergible, and you can go 2-3 weeks without charging the battery.